Friday, May 15, 2009

Lamar vs. the Gorilla

So to lighten it up a little bit, this is a story I heard at a Lewis Grizzard concert many years ago. I hope you will enjoy...

I woke up one morning and went to the kitchen to start my morning coffee and while I was filling up the pot with water I looked out my back window and saw this gorilla in my tree. I'm thinking to myself, "How the hell did I get a gorilla in my tree?" Then it hits me - "How the hell am I gonna get a gorilla out of my tree?" So I get the phone book and looking under 'Gorilla Tree Removal Services' I call the first number I see. This old fellow answers the phone and after explaining my situation to him he tells me he's not busy at the moment and will be right over.
A little while later he pulls up in my drive. I go out to meet him and we go around to the back of his old pickup truck. There sits this old hound dog. Well he drops the tailgate and introduces me to Lamar, the dog. He gets a shotgun, a pair of handcuffs, and Lamar and we go around to the back of the house to see the gorilla.
After assessing the situation, the old timer tells me, "So this here's what we're gonna do. I want you to take this here shotgun and pair of handcuffs, and take ol' Lamar, and you go stand over there. Now I'm gonna climb up in that tree and I'm a gonna shake that gorilla out of the tree. Now when that gorilla hits the ground, ol' Lamar here is gonna charge that gorilla and try to bite him in the privates. Now when Mr. Gorilla reaches down to protect himself, I want you to slap them there handcuffs on him and then I'll haul him on out of here. Reckon you can handle that?"
I think on this for a minute and decide, "I reckon I can handle that. But I gotta ask you, what do you want me to do with this here shotgun?"
"Wellllll," the old timer starts, "Let me tell you. You know, in the unlikely event that it happens, and it never has, and hopefully it never will, but if for some reason I get up in that tree and that there gorilla shakes me out of that tree...
YOU SHOOT LAMAR!"

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